A Letter from the President of Malaero Airlines

From the Office of the President, 4/11/2017

To all Employees of Malaero Airlines,

I’m sure everyone has heard about the most recent mishandling of an overbooking situation that took place on board one of the planes of a competing airline. If not, please see your supervisor for full details and while you’re there please take a moment to pick up our NEW employee handbook and sign the NEW Commitment to Customer Service Excellence and Public Nonaggression Agreement. In fact, even if you are already aware of “the incident,” please make sure you get the new handbook and sign the agreement by week’s end.

I just want to take a moment and be very clear that our stance on handling overbooking situations has always been in favor of non-violent solutions. Even if it was not spelled out in the handbook, strictly speaking, it was nevertheless always our policy that overbooked passengers should be invited to deplane and only brutalized and beaten senseless as a very last resort. While it’s not clear if the employees at United had in fact reached that last resort, it is clear that a very thorough and humiliating beatdown was handed out in a very public manner.

This is something I find to be intolerable as I hope you all do. I don’t ever want to hear about anything like this happening on a Malaero flight. This is what we have customs offices and security rooms for. If you do not know the location and accessibility of these rooms, please see our Chief of Airline Security, Brutus D. Bentbody to arrange a tour. These rooms have been specially designed to be windowless, sound proof and easy to clean. A troublesome customer should be lured there with promises of free miles, meals or even cash if need be and only THEN is he/she to be properly insulted, debased and ultimately given a sound thrashing.

Each room comes with a wide variety of tools and devices to make the administration of pain and embarrassment look and feel as professional as possible. If you have not been given adequate instruction on the efficient use of these items, please contact Mr. Bentbody for a demonstration at your earliest convenience. But do not let inexperience deter you from utilizing these facilities! The LAST thing we want – and I can’t stress this enough – is to have our own very public, not to mention very messy, display of naked aggression against one of our customers simply because one or more of our employees had been misinformed about our policies and procedures.

Don’t be afraid to ask! And when you’re in one of our special rooms with your targeted customer, don’t be afraid to experiment! Even if you get carried away and your guest expires, we have many terrifically skilled people ready to help you. It happens all the time, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Again, the important thing here is that the mistake happened where no one outside the airline can see it! If you’d like to know more about how we deal with expired passengers, send an email to our Vice President in charge of Baggage Claims, Vincent Mattresses. Please CC me on all these inquires. While I encourage questions, I don’t like too many questions. Not everyone needs to know everything.

Here at Malaero Airlines, discretion is our watchword!

Thank you all for your hard work and your continued efforts to provide the very best in customer service and disposal. I’ve been proud to say that here at Malaero, we like to make sure all of our passengers reach the final destination each of them have got coming!

 

Sincerely,

Damion Fiendier, President of Malaero Airlines.

P.S. – Please don’t forget to sign the NEW Commitment to Customer Service Excellence and Public Nonaggression Agreement by week’s end. Or else.

Advertisements

Jon Stewart and what he means

For those who have been living under a mountain, Jon Stewart has resigned as host of the Daily Show. Actually, I guess if you’ve been living under a mountain, you might not even know what the Daily Show is. In fact, I find it highly unusual that you can even get the internet in your subterranean domain. Unless you are somehow rich and powerful and no doubt eccentric and can afford the miles and miles of super-secret fiber-optic cables? Can you even read English, you half-crazed Goblin King?

For the sake of the other reader of this blog (you know who you are – no, it’s not time for jello and Jeopardy yet) I’ll imagine you can read English and you have a rough idea of what has transpired in American media over the last 15 years. Because, really, it would just be too much to try to recap. You know… I just want to keep things moving, otherwise reader #2 gets distracted.

 

"Thanks..."

“Thanks…”

 

Jon Stewart’s departure from the Daily Show has been met with much rending of clothes and loud and tearful lamentations among the liberal elite and more-or-less confused masses, yearning to be set free from the burden of original thought. That may sound overly critical, but that’s only because it is.

Now, before you finish scowling at me and skitter back to the dark and buried secrets of your no doubt well-appointed cave, I confess that I am a fan of both Jon Stewart and the Daily Show. Actually, probably just the two together. I didn’t think much of either before they were joined. They were two mediocre tastes that somehow tasted not just great, but TEH GR8!!!!!1111onethousandonehundredeleven together. I will miss him and am forever grateful for his gift of satire and much-needed criticism during one of the darkest eras of frightened conformity that has ever gripped our nation.

But discussing his leaving and what his presence/absence means and has meant to our country is not the conversation we should be having. Judging by the reports coming from radio, TV and web, we are paralyzed by fear and grief over losing a national icon! Whatever shall we do?

The answer? Change the conversation. The debate should not be, nor should it ever have been (and I believe Jon Stewart would agree with this) “What Does Jon Stewart Mean?” The debate should be, and should always have been, why the hell are we taking a satirist’s view of the news more seriously than mainstream journalism? What has happened in this country that we mistrust our newspapers and nightly news segments so much? Why have those once serious-minded institutions warped themselves into mouthpieces of demagogues and echo chambers for sound-bytes? Why did it take a fake news show to show us that all the real news shows were also fake?

 

Seriously, this might as well be on at 7.

Seriously, this might as well be on at 7.

 

More importantly, was it always like this? Did we always value entertainment over factual reporting? Hate speech over nuanced debate? The ten word slogan over the long interview? The truth is yes. Most definitely, yes. We’ve always been like this – and by “we” I include all of western civilization – but with the opening of the borders of media, where more people of every type of broadcasting acumen and background have a microphone, we’re beginning to see just how silly we all are.

Can we talk about that instead? Can we discuss how The Daily Show started to make us realize how necessary it is to laugh at each other and ourselves, instead of letting media outlets encourage us to be fearful and hateful? Can we ruminate on the possibility that with such a (possible) detente in the politicization of media we move forward and come to a new era of understanding and reason because we can look at each other more as humans and less as straw men and effigies? Can we laugh at our differences and solemnly agree about our similarities and (horror of horrors) find that compromise and reasoned discussion are the ways to build a better society?

 

Or maybe just meme each other to death?

Or maybe just agree on forwarding a few less memes?

 

Probably not. Instead, let’s make another demagogue out of Jon Stewart. See where that gets us.