A Letter from the President of Malaero Airlines

From the Office of the President, 4/11/2017

To all Employees of Malaero Airlines,

I’m sure everyone has heard about the most recent mishandling of an overbooking situation that took place on board one of the planes of a competing airline. If not, please see your supervisor for full details and while you’re there please take a moment to pick up our NEW employee handbook and sign the NEW Commitment to Customer Service Excellence and Public Nonaggression Agreement. In fact, even if you are already aware of “the incident,” please make sure you get the new handbook and sign the agreement by week’s end.

I just want to take a moment and be very clear that our stance on handling overbooking situations has always been in favor of non-violent solutions. Even if it was not spelled out in the handbook, strictly speaking, it was nevertheless always our policy that overbooked passengers should be invited to deplane and only brutalized and beaten senseless as a very last resort. While it’s not clear if the employees at United had in fact reached that last resort, it is clear that a very thorough and humiliating beatdown was handed out in a very public manner.

This is something I find to be intolerable as I hope you all do. I don’t ever want to hear about anything like this happening on a Malaero flight. This is what we have customs offices and security rooms for. If you do not know the location and accessibility of these rooms, please see our Chief of Airline Security, Brutus D. Bentbody to arrange a tour. These rooms have been specially designed to be windowless, sound proof and easy to clean. A troublesome customer should be lured there with promises of free miles, meals or even cash if need be and only THEN is he/she to be properly insulted, debased and ultimately given a sound thrashing.

Each room comes with a wide variety of tools and devices to make the administration of pain and embarrassment look and feel as professional as possible. If you have not been given adequate instruction on the efficient use of these items, please contact Mr. Bentbody for a demonstration at your earliest convenience. But do not let inexperience deter you from utilizing these facilities! The LAST thing we want – and I can’t stress this enough – is to have our own very public, not to mention very messy, display of naked aggression against one of our customers simply because one or more of our employees had been misinformed about our policies and procedures.

Don’t be afraid to ask! And when you’re in one of our special rooms with your targeted customer, don’t be afraid to experiment! Even if you get carried away and your guest expires, we have many terrifically skilled people ready to help you. It happens all the time, so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Again, the important thing here is that the mistake happened where no one outside the airline can see it! If you’d like to know more about how we deal with expired passengers, send an email to our Vice President in charge of Baggage Claims, Vincent Mattresses. Please CC me on all these inquires. While I encourage questions, I don’t like too many questions. Not everyone needs to know everything.

Here at Malaero Airlines, discretion is our watchword!

Thank you all for your hard work and your continued efforts to provide the very best in customer service and disposal. I’ve been proud to say that here at Malaero, we like to make sure all of our passengers reach the final destination each of them have got coming!

 

Sincerely,

Damion Fiendier, President of Malaero Airlines.

P.S. – Please don’t forget to sign the NEW Commitment to Customer Service Excellence and Public Nonaggression Agreement by week’s end. Or else.