$1.99 for The Unlikely Spy

For a limited time only! Actually, a very limited time. Like, just for today.

I actually began the $1.99 promo on Monday with a spot on BookBub’s International Distribution newsletter. I remembered to update the Grant Scotland Facebook community page, but not the blog. I sometimes forget that although the two crowds overlap considerably, they don’t overlap completely.

Anyway, the sale was supposed to end today, but I decided to extend it for one more day because of my gaff. Sorry about that. For those who have been following my (mis)adventures in self-publishing, it should be abundantly clear by now that my sales/marketing skills leave much to be desired.

Nonetheless, I persist.

So, by around about this time tomorrow the omnibus of the first three Grant Scotland e-books, The Unlikely Spy (an e-omnibus?), will go back up to $8.99 across all markets. So don’t delay! If you still haven’t checked out this fun, exciting and humorous fantasy adventure series then now is a great time to dive in and get caught up!

And how did the BookBub promotion go, you might ask?

Welllllll… we’ll talk about that next week. I promise. For now, if you’re a New Englander like me, today is a great day to burrow under some blankets and get some reading done.

 

 

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“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” – Walt Disney

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A Sort of Roundup

I don’t usually do roundup type posts, but I have a few things to tell you about and none of them I felt I could stretch to fill an entire post, so I thought I’d rope them all together and herd them into a corral somewhere on this imaginary dude ranch I call a blog. So, giddy-up those little piggies. Do pigs giddy-up? I told you, I’m no expert at roundups.

Today is the last full day of Obama’s presidency and I hope he does something weird with it, like fill the Oval Office with testicle-shaped balloons or put glue in the First Stapler. You know, just go crazy with it. But seriously, I’ll miss the guy. I’m split about whether or not he was a great president, but he represented the USA very well with his style, grace and gravitas. Although his foreign policy left a lot to be desired and he spent most of his first term struggling with a muddied domestic message, history I think will be very kind to him based on the ACA alone. Yes, it’s a deeply troubled piece of legislation, but it’s the first of its kind and it took serious balls to get that thing passed and then defend it like it was the Alamo. Hopefully, the once impossible dream of national healthcare will remain a reality and will survive and evolve into something we can all be proud of. No matter who else in the future tries to put their name to it, it’ll always be to his credit in my mind.

Thanks, Obama.

 

obama_wave

“No problem. Be good. I’m outta here… I’m taking the jet with me, though. Trump’s got his own. He won’t mind.”

 

In other news, guess who landed a promo-spot on BookBub? ME! Yes, the most influential and successful email marketer of e-books finally selected my Grant Scotland omnibus, The Unlikely Spy, for a spot on their daily newsletter. As most of you probably know, I’ve performed several painful experiments over the past couple of years with other email marketers and came to the conclusion (along with basically every other self and traditionally published author) that BookBub is the only one truly worth it. The entrance price is steep, but everyone who has ever been featured on their newsletter has received a decent return on investment as well as a huge increase in distribution, at least for the length of the promo at any rate. How did I do it? Well, I told them the omnibus would be discounted down to a crazy cheap $1.99 for a few days and would be offered on Nook, Kobo and Apple as well as Amazon. I think that’s the killer combo they like to see.

I’ll update the blog/Facebook page/Twitter etc when the deal goes live.

I made some New Year’s resolutions. I committed myself to writing two short stories and the next installment in the Grant Scotland series by year’s end. One story is almost finished and the other is about 30-40%. The next Scotland book is all just notes for now, but there are ALOT of notes.

Oh, and I resolved to lose weight. Again. Sweet treats, this is tough! Word of advice to anyone still in their thirties – start adopting healthier eating habits than you had in your twenties. Your waistline will thank you in your forties. Your wallet, too. You’ll save a TON of money on the number of forklifts needed to move your gigantic ass around.

 

“Morning, Dan! Where would you like me to place your left buttock?”

 

And finally, the Adventures of Grant Scotland blog tour rolls on! Today, we’re being featured at T’s Stuff. Stop by and read an excerpt from Greedy Villain and a brief interview. Each blog I stop at has a little different dose of excerpts, guest posts and interview questions, so be sure to check them all out. You can find a list of all the stops here. FYI – Some sites have switched dates so you might have to hunt around a bit. You can also find updated  links to all the stops as they happen on the Grant Scotland community page.

That’s it! Are you ready for tomorrow? Are you ready for the next four years? Things are about to get real interesting, that’s for sure.

 

jurassic-park-33-hold-on-to-your-butts1

 

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“When you’re going through Hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

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Grant Scotland on Tour!

That’s right! I’m taking The Adventures of Grant Scotland on a book tour! A virtual tour, that is. Online-like. Goddessfish Promotions has teemed with all of us (me) here at Dan McClure Publishing (the back office of my apartment) to launch the Grant Scotland franchise into the blogoshere.

For the next few months you’ll be seeing my books everywhere (not available in some locations) on the internet. So be sure to stay tuned to what’s happening both here and on all the sites that will be advertising and talking about the series. If you comment on the conversation on the participating blogs, you are automatically entered to win an Amazon Gift Card courtesy of Goddessfish!

I’ll list the sites and the tour dates that are currently booked below, but be sure to follow Adventures of Grant Scotland Facebook page and Twitter handle to get the most up-to-date tour info and links.

December 27: Books,Dreams,Life
December 29: Christine Young
January 3: The Avid Reader
January 5: Fabulous and Brunette
January 10: Kit ‘N Kabookle
January 12: Writers and Authors
January 17: Lilac Reviews
January 19: T’s Stuff
January 24: BooksChatter
January 26: Book Lover Promo
January 31: Sharing Links and Wisdom
February 2: Independent Authors
February 7: The Silver Dagger Scriptorium
February 9: Edgar’s Books
February 14: Readeropolis
February 16: Hope. Dreams. Life… Love
February 21: Lynn Crandall
February 23: Dina Rae’s Write Stuff
February 28: CBY Book Club
March 1: Archaeolibrarian – I Dig Good Books!
March 6: Hearts and Scribbles
March 8: Tina Donahue Books
March 13: Welcome to My World of Dreams
March 15: Reviews by Crystal
March 20: Book Giveaways
March 22: Queen of All She Reads
March 27: Am Kinda Busy Reading!
March 29: Harlie’s Books
April 3: Natural Bri
April 5: Long and Short Reviews

 

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The tour will be a lot of fun and I’m looking forward to it. There’s plenty of fun interviews, blog posts and book excerpts, so be sure to check out all the stops!

Prevent any further premature celebrity deaths – write reviews and give tips.

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We Are Now In Over Our Heads (In Bullshit)

 

A few years ago I heard about this guy who wrote a book (or perhaps philosophical treatise is the better word) on the subject of bullshit. His name is Harry G. Frankfurt and he appropriately titled the work “On Bullshit.” I didn’t read it – reading philosophy makes my head spin – but I’ve heard him talk about it a few times. It’s interesting stuff. The videos aren’t long, so if you’ve got 15-20 minutes, you should check them out.

Bullshit has been on the rise ever since the invention of mass media and the mastery of advertising over that platform. Until recently, it seemed mostly confined to people just trying to sell you something (whether it be a product or an idea), so it was possible – admittedly with some difficulty – to avoid stepping in any if you were savvy enough. The truth, after all, would win out. You just had to be patient or diligent or both.

But at some point bullshit started to creep past the levees of truth and began to slowly engulf other aspects of our society besides marketing and politics. Bullshit began to affect the way we interact with the world and not just the salespersons in it. In order to get a job, just as one example, it no longer is enough to be qualified and professional and somehow manage to not make inappropriate comments and lewd gestures during the interview. No! Now, you have to sell yourself. You have to push your brand.

 

"Why eat someone else's bullshit when you can sell them your own?"

“Why eat someone else’s bullshit when you can sell them your own?”

 

And after a hard day at work of continually selling yourself to your coworkers and bosses, you come home and watch TV shows that are no longer reliably fictitious and news that is no longer reliable at all. Sure, movies and TV have always been bullshit, but they never pretended to be otherwise. Now, however, we have Reality TV! That’s right! Entertainment has taken to bullshitting you about being bullshit!

As the level of bullshit rose even higher during this past campaign season, most people retreated to their echo chamber safe spaces so they’d only have to smell their own bullshit. But the bullshit level didn’t stagnate, as perhaps many of us hoped it would. Instead, it has finally overwhelmed us. We no longer can tell the difference between truth and fiction. Our comedy is our news and our news is our entertainment. This has become so much the case that we actually demand more truth in our comedy and less truth in our news.

Those links are worth checking out and considering. What have we done to ourselves that we feel we need to criticize a comedy sketch for not being factual enough? Why are we at the point where a man is so disturbed by what he has been told is true that he takes a rifle into a pizza shop to investigate fictitious reports of a child sex ring? Just how far down the rabbit hole have we tumbled? Is there yet further to go?

 

If we are Alice in this metaphor, we have to be wondering if this is a rabbit hole or a bull's... ummm... hole.

If we are Alice in this metaphor, we have to be wondering if this is a rabbit hole or a bull’s… ummm… hole.

 

People say education is the silver bullet to all the ills of the world. It’s not. Curiosity is the cure. You can’t force someone to learn. They have to be curious. A guy wrote a great piece about all of this talk about people living in “bubbles.” The only bubbles we really need to be worried about are the bubbles of the incurious. In a way, I respect that guy with the rifle. He didn’t harm anyone and indeed seemed intent on not harming anyone who wasn’t obviously raping children. What’s more, he took it upon himself to be curious enough to see with his own eyes. Obviously, I don’t think he should have discharged his weapon at all (nor even carried it into a pizza shop) but since he didn’t harm anyone and didn’t fire until people had fled, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Way to go, Clearly Misguided Dude. Keep on looking for the truth. Except, next time just leave the rifle at home when doing the reconnaissance work, OK? Only Patton was allowed to do a reconnaissance in force. Save the artillery for when the enemy has been located.

 

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I know I promised a Notes from the Self-Pubbed, but it turns out I was just bullshitting you. HA! Actually, I decided I’d hold off on doing another one until after the blog tour so we can get some comprehensive ROI data. Oh yeah! The blog tour! It starts in a couple of weeks. Stay tuned.

Don’t be afraid to contribute to the conversation, but don’t neglect the truth.

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Here’s What I Meant To Say

So, I had this big long post about the election ready to go and for some reason I couldn’t hit the publish button. It was a brilliant evisceration of the left’s nauseating tendency towards self-flagellation after any setback and a biting attack on the right’s hypocritical new “only the government can give me a job” stance. But, although it felt great to write it all down, I could not bring myself to post it.

 

With this button, I thee publish... Actually, let's just take a moment and think about this.

With this button, I thee publish… Actually, let’s just take a moment and think about this.

 

That’s because I realized that this isn’t a political blog, so I owe it to you and to me to stay focused on my writing, my career and the self-publishing/publishing industry. Also, it’s clear to me that several people have already published the things I wanted to say and expressed them much better than I did. Much of my post went too far and was too angry. I lost focus on the thing I really wanted to express, which was simply: Don’t stop caring about what’s important to you and don’t let internet soundbytes that pass along ridiculous generalizations bait you into the trap of contributing to the machinery of fear and hate.

I lost that message in my gigantic, forever-to-be-hidden manifesto. I’ll keep this version of the manifesto short, but I decided I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least communicate that message in response to everything that is going on.

My message is for everyone, on the left and the right. Please stop thinking government is the solution to all the problems of the world. You’re putting way too much pressure on a body of very fallible humans. Seriously, they aren’t lizard people. They’re just like you and me and they are not a monolithic organization. Additionally, some things people hate about the federal government are actually things their state government is responsible for and most people seem to not realize it. Speaking of which, do not excuse ignorance. Let’s not start cozying up to people who disregard facts and disdain intelligence. Some of the bloodiest revolutions in history that lead to nothing but repressive regimes were started by marginalizing and killing off the intellectual elite.

Finally, stay focused on what’s in front of you. Don’t be lazy and shout slogans at groups of cops or bodies of protesters. If someone has done you wrong, then find them and start a dialog about how to fix it. Use a lawyer if you have to, we have plenty of them. If no one has harmed you, only offended you, then ignore them. You’ve got more important things to do in your life than to let someone get under your skin. If someone has harmed a friend of yours and they’re afraid to stand up for themselves to seek justice, then go stand with them. It’s likely that you won’t ever be a victim, but it’s perhaps equally likely someone you know will be. Offer to help in whatever way you can.

It really does not need to be more complicated than that. If you see something on the internet that upsets you and you feel like you need to respond to it, then take the time to research it and figure out the appropriate course of action. Maybe you can write to your representative or maybe you can send money or even volunteer. But, if you feel like the best course of action is to comment on a thread somewhere, just be advised that no evil was ever righted by forwarding a meme.

 

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Okay, that’s good enough. I think that sums up the best of what I had to say. I’ll do you all a favor and save the worst of what I had to say for myself.

Do the write thing!

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Grant Scotland Goes To Print!

At long last the day has arrived! The Adventures of Grant Scotland is confined to merely existing in the digital world no more! Now you can find actual ink and paper copies of the chronicles of Grant’s deeds of dubious merit and doubtful virtue. So, if you’ve been waiting to have your shelf decorated with these handsome volumes or know someone who would appreciate the gift (Christmas is right around the corner) then you’re in luck.

 

image

When I hold them all in my hand at the same time I can’t believe the sheer volume of word-mass I have vomited forth to date.

 

At the moment, Dead Empire and the omnibus are currently available, but books two, three and four will be ready for order in a few days. You can find options for ordering the print editions on the Amazon pages of the Kindle editions, but here are the direct links:

Spy for a Dead Empire

The Adventures of Grant Scotland: The Unlikely Spy

Are you interested in hearing about the self-publishing print process? Maybe? I’ll tell you what. I’ll refrain from getting into the details here, but I’ll do another Notes from the Self-Pubbed next week for those who are interested. Something tells me people are a little too distracted by other events to be in a good place to concentrate on the nuts and bolts of my little cottage industry just now.

I may also do a post about the election, but I don’t want to get too political here. However, there have been a few things I’ve observed after Super Tuesday that I’d like to talk a little about, but I promise it’s not anguish-filled Trump bashing. Plenty of people are doing enough of that and I’ll no doubt do some of my own over the course of the next four years, but there has been some interesting internal debates among Dems/leftists that have got me thinking.

But for tonight, I’ll just keep it short and sweet. The next few months you will witness one of the things that makes our country great – the peaceful and orderly transition of power. Celebrate and be thankful you live in a country where that is the case. The rest of the stuff we’ll keep working on.

 

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I didn’t forget my contest winner! A signed copy of The Unlikely Spy will soon find it’s way to you, Daria Liston!

Reviewing books and tipping delivery people help make America great (again)!

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Now Available: Spy for a Greedy Villain

Finally! After delays, snafus and shenanigans too copious to recount, the Kindle version of Spy for a Greedy Villain, the fourth installment in The Adventures of Grant Scotland series, is now available! So far it is only the Kindle version. A few of those aforementioned snafus hit the print production line, so the availability of the print editions that I promised for all the books has been pushed back a couple of weeks. They should be ready by mid-month.

In the meantime, download Greedy Villain to your Kindle and get reading!

 

aogs4_cover_final

 

Not sure if you’re ready to buy? Just waiting for the print edition? Well, then let me whet your appetite with a little excerpt:

 


I gave him a brief recap of my espionage activities over the past few months, which included reports on the growth and temperament of the One God followers, the coming and going of any Huthan notables and the operations of Doogan and Quinn. At last I followed up with a summary of the harbormaster investigation and finished with the discovery of a ghost in the Lower Docks.

 

“There’s no such things as ghosts, Scotland,” Solin said.

 

“I know, but I haven’t worked up a better nickname for him yet.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll think of something. I have every confidence in your ability to accomplish inane tasks of trivial importance.”

 

“Everybody has to be good at something.”

 

“And while your limited mental capabilities will no doubt be severely taxed in that endeavor, I’ll do some checking into what could make a man entirely concealed in plain sight.”

 

“You mean invisible. You can just say invisible.”

 

“Were I interested in being as lacking in attention to details as you, I could use the word invisible, but luckily for the both of us I am not. Complete invisibility is impossible. Not even the greatest Aelfan wizards were ever able to accomplish such a feat. But, there are several ways a man can remain unnoticed. Take me for instance. For the eleventh time in a row you failed to spot me before I spotted you.”

 

“How am I not surprised you’ve been keeping score? At any rate, he didn’t sneak up on me, I’m telling you I looked right through him.”

 

“Except his boots. Unless in addition to invisibility you also believe in the existence of a sentient pair of boots?”


 

 

Yes, Grant is at last reunited with his endearingly abrasive taskmaster. Hilarious hijinks ensue.

It’s only available on Amazon right now, as are all the rest except for the omnibus, because I want to stay in Kindle Select for now. I still get the occasional borrow through that program and that’s more than I get from Barnes and Noble or Apple or the others. At some point I may re-distribute the series to other markets but my experiments with doing that have been less than rewarding to this point.

In other news, I just finished my initial batch of interviews and guest blogs for my first blog tour! Goddessfish has taken all of my choicest bits of juicy word meats and flung them to the hungry denizens of the blogosphere. Feeding time is scheduled to start right after Christmas, so stay tuned and I’ll let you know what sites to visit so you can follow me around! You won’t even need night-vision goggles and a windowless van this time! It’s perfectly legal!

 

"Well, that takes the fun right out of it. Doesn't it, Precious? Yes."

“Well, that takes the fun right out of it. Doesn’t it, Precious? Yes.”

 

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That’s all for now! Please to enjoy!

Commence with the reading and the reviewing and the ordering and the tipping!

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The English Language and its Discontents

Are you like me? Do you have a tendency to make off-color jokes about racial, ethnic and religious stereotypes? Do you pepper every conversation with a seemingly endless stream of sexual innuendo? Do you turn people’s words around to make a dumb joke when they are trying to raise a significant point?

 

"Heh-heh... Significant point...giggity."

“Heh-heh… Significant point…giggity.”

 

And are you endlessly entertained by all that? And does it bother you when people on the internet tell you it’s wrong to be like that and you should only say things that won’t ever offend anyone?

Well, then let me tell you how to handle this situation. First, ignore everyone on the internet who tries to address an entire group of people as if they are of one mind. Nobody likes those people anyway. Just kidding. We all do it from time to time. We all have rants where we generalize about certain groups of people. But you should still ignore other people’s rants, because that’s all that they are. It’s not worth taking them personally. They just missed the chance to address whatever it is that got them stirred up and now they’re blowing off steam.

It’s like this. If someone says something that offends you, then it is an issue between you and that person. It is not an issue with culture at large. Yet, somehow, we all leap at the opportunity to say “This is what’s wrong with the world today: People suck.” So, instead of addressing the issue with the allegedly sucky party, we retreat to the comfort of our safe spaces and make a gross generalization about whatever group we presume to be responsible. It’s tiresome and lazy, but there’s probably a very good evolutionary reason for why we’re like that. I think it’s called “Avoid situations where you might get your head bashed in and go see if you can make some allies.”

 

No, Brian. That's completely cool. You totally should get more bananas than me, because you're bigger. Makes total sense. Anywhooooo... I think I'll go see if anyone needs me to pick nits.

No, Brian. That’s completely cool. You totally should get more bananas than me, because you’re bigger. Makes total sense. Anywhooooo… I think I’ll go see if anyone needs me to pick nits.

 

But language can be a tricky thing. For every person who takes your meaning and agrees with you, there are those who misunderstand or just plain disagree. Political Correctness seeks to solve that whole problem by suggesting everyone play nice and avoid saying anything offensive at all.The problem, however, is that you can’t tell people what to say in this country. It’s one of the best things about us and also one of the worst. This election cycle is a prime example. A veritable case in point, if you will.

What’s the worst thing you can say about Hillary Clinton? She’s a crook! In bed with Wall Street! Did some ethically questionable things!

And how about Trump? He’s a crook! In bed with Wall Street! Did some ethically questionable things!

All those things are most likely true to at least some extent. The facts are out there to be looked up and I won’t belabor this post with them. Both of them have faults and it’s up to you as a voter to decide which ones are forgivable. It’s your right and privilege. But please, don’t let the language of the internet sway you. According to the internet both of these people mate with donkeys and plot genocide. The language of the internet is, to my mind, the very counter-point to the spirit and intent of Political Correctness.

PC gets a bad rap, in my opinion. When it first got traction, I was in high school/college. At first, I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why I should monitor my speech. After all, I’m a hell of a guy! Shouldn’t everyone take my words in the way I mean them? That’s how it is with my friends and family, after all.

 

Especially when I'm in my "writer's room." I can say whatever I want! And I even get Jello!

Especially when I’m in my “writer’s room.” I can say whatever I want! And I even get Jello!

 

But then I got out in the world and met people who are not like me. People who are not friends or family but who might be if I gave them a chance. See, the whole point of Political Correctness is that very often you are not around your friends and family. Being PC means understanding that. Being PC means understanding the people in range of your voice might be coming from very different backgrounds and might receive your mouth dribble differently than intended. It means thinking before you speak. That’s not such a bad thing, right?

I know the internet gives us the luxury of blurting out our thoughts with no filter under the safe blanket of anonymity and distance, but that doesn’t give us a carte blanche to be assholes. Trust me. I know I’ve said some stuff on this blog that can easily be called offensive, but I at least thought about those things first. Mostly, I was trying to be funny, but sometimes I was sincere. And if people take issue with it, then I completely respect it and I’ll try to explain myself if asked.

And if we become friends after that, well that’s when we can say things to each other that are as offensive as all fuck!

And laugh. But you can’t get to the laughter until you earn the trust.

 

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I know! I didn’t mention a thing about Spy for a Greedy Villain! Don’t worry. Everything is on track and I’m still expecting it to be available November 1st!

Some people review. Some people tip. Everyone should do both.

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The Cover Reveal and Other Things I Should Care More About

The talented and affable Mr. Thomas McGee of Rightly Designed has finished work on the cover for Spy for a Greedy Villain! And, now… without further ado I will reveal to you that which you have in breathless anticipation no doubt been awaiting. God, what an awful sentence. Who wrote that? Was he given permission to brutalize the English language so heinously? Actually, you probably don’t need a permission slip these days. Oh well… RAISE THE CURTAINS!

 

aogs4_cover_final

You already looked before I said “raise the curtains” didn’t you? Of course you did, you sneaky monkey.

 

You know, I really don’t get the whole “Cover Reveal” thing. I never even noticed it was a thing before I started self-publishing. What is it supposed to do? Generate buzz and excitement? Has it ever? I doubt it. I really do. I think it’s just another marketing gimmick that people do because they figure “why not?” It’s no-cost and it fills another blog post and generates a new tweet.

Well, hey. “Why not for me too” is what I always say when I’m saying things that aren’t quite true and don’t make much sense.

 

"Now you're starting to speak my language."

“Now you’re starting to speak my language.”

 

In addition to revealing the cover, I’m also revealing the release date for Greedy Villain. November 1st! Mark it on your calendar if you’d like but rest assured that I will remind you as obnoxiously and repeatedly as I can summon the strength to do so. Speaking of which – the strength summoning part, not the obnoxious part – I am planning to do a blog tour after release and have been investigating how these things work and they look HARD! You have to commit to doing at least one, but preferably several, guest posts and interviews per week over the course of four or eight or even sixteen weeks! Yikes! I can hardly stand talking about myself here as infrequently as I do. I don’t even know how I’m going to muster up the narcissistic wherewithal to launch what amounts to a dastardly coordinated surprise attack on the internet using naught but my massive ego.

Actually, when I put it like that, it sounds doable. Exhausting, but doable.

In any case, I no longer have a choice. Either I’m taking this whole enterprise seriously or I’m not. None of the lesser book promoters have yielded satisfactory results and Bookbub is still giving me the cold shoulder. The first three books haven’t collected a single new review in months. Purchasing a blog tour is the only viable way I can think of to get a few sales and a few reviews and push my name out there some more. I’ve done a little research on this and, like Bookbub, a blog tour almost guarantees you’ll get your money back, as well as pick up a few reviews. Also, they’re cheaper than I had priced them when I initially looked at them last year, so that’s good.

A friend of mine recommended I start going to fantasy/sci-fi conventions as an attendee and approach some publishers to help spread the word about the Grant Scotland franchise and also possibly pick up some extra work for e-zines and what not. It’s not a bad idea. I hadn’t really considered it, because I’m not too interested in writing for anyone else right now and I don’t want to give up rights to Grant either, so I doubt how sincere I’d be in approaching people in the industry.

Preferably, I want to attend a fantasy/sci-fi convention in a booth with printed copies of my books to sell or raffle off. It’s the self-pub way. I want to market to the consumers, not the producers. But, I also want to land a traditional publisher at some point for other projects I have in mind, so maybe getting my face in front of faces sooner rather than later might work. I don’t know. I’m having a tough enough time thinking about all the guest posts I’m going to have to write, nevermind my person-to-person pitch skills.

 

"Hi! I'm talk! Do you have a minute to Dan McClure?"

“Hi! I’m talk! Do you have a minute to Dan McClure?”

 

I know. I should have thought of all this much sooner and been busy with it after book two rather than book four, but come on. It’s me we’re talking about here. If there’s a way I can do something backwards and make it more complicated than it has to be, then you can bet your lunch money that’s the way I’m doing it. But if I was any other way would you still love me?

Don’t answer that.

 

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Finished. Let’s you and me grab some hooch and dangle.

To review is essential, to tip is divine.

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The Adventure Continues

Hello?

Anyone still here? Hey. Hey, you! Yes, you at the buffet table. Look, I appreciate you hanging around, but I wouldn’t eat those finger sandwiches. They’ve been sitting there since July. I don’t think they’re-

What’s that? You’ve already eaten three of them? Okay. No problem. Just have a seat. No, not there. I was thinking maybe you could sit in the port-o-potties in the parking lot. Trust me on this one. You’ll thank me later.

Okay, so… Oh, good. Some people coming in. Welcome! Anybody have the number for Poison Control? No? Okay. No problem. That’s completely cool.

How about a tow service? A REALLY discreet towing service. Yes? Good. I won’t ask how you got this… Yes, and I won’t make direct eye contact with the tower. Got it.

Well, alright! Let’s get things started! Please, everyone, have a seat. Refreshments will be made available, just not right now. And don’t mind the cobwebs. Purely for effect. Spooky, right?

 

Personally, I can never pull off spooky. I never get past "I really need to dust."

Personally, I can never pull off spooky. I never get past “I really need to dust.”

 

Anyway, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it. I know it’s been a while since I’ve hosted one of these things. Sorry for not being around this summer. Time went by crazy fast, right? How was your summer? Was it crazy like mine?

Yeah? What’s that, now? Oh, that doesn’t sound good. Should you even be telling me… Oh, you buried the hatchet with someone? Ohhhhh. I see. And then you burned the midnight oil, but not anything else… or anyone else. Good, good. Sounds like a summer to remember.

Well, my summer was… What?

Yes. Yes, you’re right. It should probably be printed on the label that a fifth of Jack Daniels won’t put out a roman candle stuffed into someone’s jeans. Like, both labels, probably.

 

"If you've consumed anywhere close to even half of this in one night, you're going to do some stupid shit. There. We warned you."

“If you’ve consumed anywhere close to even half of this in one night, you’re going to do some stupid shit. There. We warned you.”

 

Anyway, I don’t mean to cut you off, sir. If you’d like to make a guest post, then we can arrange something, but tonight I just want to do my thing and then… ummm… go do something else. Sound good? We good? Alright! Have a finger sandwich.

So, I’m back with news for you! Book Four of The Adventures of Grant Scotland is in final editing! I’ve passed it off to my beautiful and talented editor so she can correct the thousands of mistakes I’ve made before I expose them to the public. She knows how eager I am to expose myself, so she’s always great about making sure I’m covered.

What’s that? No, I don’t know if she’s single. Sir, please. I promise I’ll get done shortly and then you’ll…. Yes, karaoke starts right after this. All the more reason to let me finish, right?

So… Oh. Well, thank you for saying so. I haven’t really paid much attention to my mouth, but thank you for saying it’s pretty. That’s… Well, that’s really something.

Sorry, everyone. WordPress has started renting out my space to people who use it more frequently. They promise they’ll give it back to me full time once I start posting more regularly.

Yes, sir. Thank you for the suggestion. I will consider hosting my own karaoke night. Sounds like a good idea.

Ummm… but where was I? Oh, yes! So, Book Four is almost ready for publication. The design of the cover is currently under the deft hand of my most trusted and professional artist, so I can’t reveal it yet. However, I can tell you the title of the book will be…

Drum roll, please.

Oh. I see that I don’t have a drummer anymore… No, sir. You don’t have to…. Yes, I’m sure you were in a band in high school….

Okay, that’s not really a drum roll so much as the machine-gun evocation from Metallica’s “One.”

Yes, it’s awesome… Yes, awesome and deep… Deep like most people would never understand, you’re absolutely right. Please, stop crying.

Anyway, Book Four’s title is Spy for a Greedy Villain!

RIM-JOB

Wait. That’s… That’s supposed to be rim-shot. You meant rim-shot, right? You see, that’s only supposed to come after a joke and…

Well, that’s a fair point, sir. Perhaps I am a joke.

Wait. How did you even get a drum to make that sound? It doesn’t seem like a percussion instrument should be able to make a slurping-

Oh… Oh… No, you don’t have to show it. I’m sure you’re instructional video is wonderful. Maybe you can share it after karaoke? Okay? Honestly, I’m almost done here.

Look for Spy for a Greedy Villain (TICKLE-SLURP) to make an appearance on virtual store shelves this fall! You won’t want to miss what Grant Scotland gets up to next! And stay tuned to this blog! More delicious details and well-aged appetizers to come!

 

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Okay, we’re done. Seriously, though… Sir? You still awake? Send me the link to that video. That shit is cray-cray.

Save a life! Give an honest Amazon review! Save a car! Tip your delivery driver!

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Want to see my author profile and my books on Amazon? Check it out!

Want to see more posts and tour the blog? Go to the Home Page!